If we’re lucky, we grew up with a model of healthy, respectful relationships. But many of us didn’t. And even if we did, who’s to say that what worked for our parents—or whoever modeled that relationship—will work for us? Or that we even saw the full picture—the compromises, missteps, or effort it took behind the scenes?
Beyond what we see modeled, how we were interacted with at a young age also influences how we show up in relationships today. Our early caregivers help shape our “internal working models”—our unconscious beliefs about how relationships work. If we grew up in a home where people were attuned and responsive, we may expect others to just know what we need. If we didn’t, we might believe that we have to earn love by being easy, undemanding, or helpful. These early experiences become the templates we use in adulthood, often without realizing it.
Every role we take on in life—partner, parent, friend, sibling—is like a job we don’t get paid for. And unlike paid positions, these roles rarely come with a clear job description.
When we accept a paid position, there’s usually a posting and discussions which outline expectations: work 40 hours a week, be in-office, complete projects related to X, Y, and Z. In exchange, you get money, benefits, maybe some perks. There’s an upfront agreement—resources offered for resources received.
But relationships don’t work like that. When we step into a new relational role, there’s no formal negotiation. We carry expectations—many of them unspoken, even unconscious. We might have an internal checklist for the perfect partner, hopes for who we want our child to be, or assumptions about what friendship should look like. But how often do we actually share those expectations out loud?
Job Title: Life Partner
Position Type: Full-time, indefinite
Location: Wherever I am (ideally beside me on the couch)
Responsibilities:
- Read my mind (especially when I’m overwhelmed)
- Know when to give space vs. lean in
- Text back fast but not too fast
- Love me through every version of myself
Compensation: Emotional intimacy, occasional spontaneous treats, a safe place to land
Unspoken Requirements: Must know how to apologize exactly the right way
Job Title: Parent
Position Type: Forever (no PTO)
Location: Home, car, sidelines of soccer games
Responsibilities:
- Raise a kind, successful human
- Be present but not overbearing
- Protect without smothering
- Heal your own wounds without ever showing them
Compensation: Occasional hugs, messy art projects, the chance to shape a whole life
Unspoken Requirements: Must never get tired, make mistakes, or wish for alone time
Job Title: Best Friend
Position Type: On-call (emotional 911)
Location: Text thread, coffee shop, your couch
Responsibilities:
- Show up when things fall apart
- Know how to cheer me up without asking
- Remember everything I’ve ever said about my ex
- Like all my posts
Compensation: Deep connection, shared memes, reciprocal support
Unspoken Requirements: Must intuit my boundaries without me stating them
Instead, we often operate from invisible contracts. And when someone doesn’t meet expectations they didn’t know existed, we feel let down. Sometimes even enough to end the relationship. In the workplace, there’s often clarity: “You didn’t meet expectations, so we’re parting ways.” But in relationships, the expectations were never even named—so the rupture feels confusing and painful.
Maybe it’s time we start approaching our roles in relationships with the same clarity and intention we bring to a job—open conversations, curiosity about fit, and a willingness to revise the contract as we grow.
The good news? You don’t have to figure out how to do that out alone.
Whether you’re navigating partnership, family dynamics, friendship challenges, or just trying to understand your own patterns better, therapy can be a powerful space to explore and rework the “job descriptions” you’re carrying. Couples therapy, individual therapy, or relational work of any kind can help bring those invisible contracts into the light—so they can finally be talked about, updated, and honored.